Welcome to winter!

Winter is here! We finally got our 1st snow of the year that is going to stick around. According to everybody here, it is extremely late for winter. They say by Halloween the temps are already in the teens and the snow is already on the ground.

I have been anxiously waiting our first snow and the people I work with thought I was crazy. But of course they know how long the winters here are. I am just like a little kid who wants it to snow so me and the boys can play with it and so we can have a lazy day. Well, unfortunately here nothing stops with the snow. In Memphis this amount of snow would shut the city down for a week. People didn't even blink an eye Sunday morning when they woke up to 6 inches of this white fluffy stuff.

The road conditions were probably the worst I have ever driven in, but completely driveable. I'm just thankful for studded tires. It took my husband using our new snow blower on the driveway and then scraping it with the shovel in order for me to get in the garage. I realized that it is going to be a long winter. It's definitely going to be a learning process and I'm sure it's not going to always be pretty. 

We did enjoy our first snow. The boys had a ball sledding and having snow fights. They played hard and thankfully slept hard. 

Our family pictures for our Christmas cards were taken right when the snow started, so that was perfect timing. The pictures turned out great and captured my little family perfectly. 

The snow is only going to keep falling. We got 6 inches Sunday/ Monday and have chances of snow the next 5/10 days. I don't know if I can truly imagine the amount of snow we are going to have by the end of winter. 

If you don't hear from me till May it's because I'm hibernating!

Breastfeeding...pro choice

I am all for breast feeding. I have breastfed four kids and am still nursing Shepard. I feel like my feelings on the topic have developed over the years of nursing and the knowledge I have gained. I mean I have practically been pregnant or nursing the last 6 years. I should be an expert on the topic, right? Well I'm not, but I have a lot of opinions on the topic. But I'm not near as opinionated as some of the women I work with. I work on a postpartum unit so I'm surrounded by boobs and breast feeding all day at work. If I was a normal nursing mom I would probably start leaking just walking into a patients room because there is so many hormones, babies crying, and hungry babies on my floor. Unfortunately breast feeding is hard work for my body so I don't have to worry about the random let-down at the sight of a baby. 

I am a huge supporter for breast feeding and agree that it is one of the best things you can do for your baby. It has great health benefits and of course that is what all the pro-breast feeders use as their teaching point. For me it was an easy decision to nurse my kiddos. It was also kind of a selfish decision. I love nursing my babies, having those moments of bonding, those moments of knowing that my baby strictly relays on me for it's nourishment. I love knowing that I am needed that much by a human being. I also breast feed because I am cheap, I just think formula is astronomically expensive and I would much rather spend my money on other things if I can provide it myself. Unfortunately all of my babies needed formula to go along with nursing. So, I didn't really save all that much money, but some is better than none. I nursed for the health benefits, but mostly it was to have that bond with my baby. 

I don't know how you would define my stance on the topic. I feel like every woman should be educated on breast feeding and the benefits but  given the chance to make the decision without any pressure or guilt. Well, where I work I don't feel like this happens enough. We are a "baby friendly" hospital which means we promote breast feeding. I am all for promoting, but some people here get a little carried away. We have about a 95% breast feeding rate while in the hospital, which is astronomically high. I feel like some woman here are pressured into breast feeding there baby or made to feel guilty if they don't. This makes me so angry considering some of the things I see at work that I think should be more of a priority. Yes, babies need all the benefits of the colostrum and breast milk, but what about the other issues these moms have that aren't getting addressed because we are so focused on getting them to breast feed their babies. The babies will be fine as long as they are eating, but some of these moms have major issues that need to be dealt with for the long term well being of the mom and the baby. Also some of these mom's just can't handle the stress of breast feeding but they are doing their best, and then this breast feeding natzi nurse comes in and makes her feel guilty for supplementing her baby or deciding that breast feeding just wasn't for her. I think some of these nurses forget that this is our patients decision and right, and the nurse has no right to scold them or make them feel bad for not being succesful at breast feeding. At least this mom is taking care of her baby. I have seen so many moms lately who have done all sorts of drugs during pregnancy or drank alcohol the entire pregnancy. They obviously have no interest in the well being of their babies. It puts a new perspective to me on how are babies are fed, I am beginning to think it's just matters that they are getting fed. Bottle feeding doesn't mean you love your baby any less and parents who bottle feed should not be made to feel like they are harming their baby or love their baby any less. Maybe they weren't educated, maybe they were and it just wasn't for them, or maybe they couldn't handle the stress of it. Some people just aren't cut out for it and that should be ok. Knowing how badly some of these babies have it in their new life makes the method of feeding so unimportant. 

Some women who are so pro-breast feeding also believe that there should be no need for supplementation. They think by nursing more, pumping more, or taking this supplement or that can fix any nursing problem. Well I hate to tell them, some women need to supplement and who knows one day it could be them. If they aren't open to supplementation if needed then they could end up harming there baby. 

I have had to supplement all my kiddos, and not by choice. My first three boys my milk supply dropped and I supplemented to keep them satisfied. I'll admit I didn't try any herbs and I dint lay in bed all day nursing, because it had life to deal with. I was so determined with Shepard to strictly nurse. I was determined to pump and get a freezer full of milk. I wanted to be that amazing breast feeding mom. Well wishing was about as close as I got. The first month or two went great, as usual. I had no problem satisfying my Shep. I also saw him growing and thriving. Then our move to Alaska started and Shep was as happy as ever. I was taking fenugreek to keep my supply up and I was nursing on demand. Well unfortunately his demand was not that high on the 10 day drive and the stress of a move didn't help with my supply. By the time we got to Alaska and settled Shep just didn't want to nurse, so I had to strictly pump for a week or two and I just couldn't pump enough to fill him. I had to give him formula to satisfy him. He was hungry and I'm not going to deny my baby food just because it's not breast milk. I continued taking supplements and pumping to try and increase my milk, with no luck. Well we went to a checkup with him and he had lost weight, the doctor began running tests but also recommended other supplements and put me on reglan. I was determined to increase my milk and get him off formula. He finely started nursing like normal and I felt like he was thriving again. Well over the next two weeks he only put on 3 ounces, which was wful considering he lost 8 ounces for his 2 month to 4 month check up. The NP was very encouraging with the breastfeeding, but did recommend I start supplementing until we could figure out what was causing him not to gain weight. She continued running tests and I stressed that something was wrong with my sweet baby. Well after weeks of tests and weeks of documenting feedings and adjusting nursing and supplementing we finally got a result. I was starving my baby. I didn't have a clue and my sweet Shep had no idea because he was happy and his belly was full. Apparently my breast milk just isn't fatty enough. It doesn't contain enough calories to suffice him. He needed a large amount of formul on top of lengthy breastfeeding sessions. I think at this point a lot of moms would give up on the breastfeeding because I was practically double feeding him. I even began to question my reasoning for nursing him. Some times I felt like it was a waste of time, especially all the time I spent at work pumping knowing that it was practically water I was pumping. I decided I just wasn't day to be done nursing my baby even if he took a bottle after every feeding. I enjoyed having those moments with him and that bonding time. I am not ready to give that up so I will still nurse him unitil I am. But I will give my baby formula as he needs it's because I love my baby and want the best for him. My baby needs formula. No amount of breastfeeding by me will provide enough calories for him. Other women may be I this position and they need to know it is ok to supplement too and they aren't baby moms for doing so. 

There shouldn't be these stigmas on these moms. Some people picture breastfeeding moms as these women who plop their boobs out anywhere and everywhere and as naturalist, etc. or people see the mom who bottle feeds as someone who isn't educated, doesn't want what is best for their baby, etc. We are moms and the majority of us want what is best for our kids and we as moms are allowed to decide what is best and nobody should judge us for our choices on how we decide to feed our kids. What we decide is best for ourselves and our babies is our decision and we know ourselves better than anybody. Nobody should judge or force anything upon people. I will always try and keep my experiences in the back of my head to keep myself open minded to how a parent decides to feed their baby, because it is their baby and their decision. 

Family of 6!?!

I never expected to be a family of 6. Me & Rocky always talked about having 3 kids. I was very content with that until we had our 3rd, Jameson. After I delivered him I just didn't feel like I was ready for my "lasts". Last pregnancy, last birth, last newborn, last "firsts". I enjoy all of those things so much that I couldn't imagine not experiencing those again. I love my boys and all the joy they bring. I love that our house is never quiet. I also felt like I would never regret having another baby, where as I quite possibly could regret not having one. I also not-so-secretly had a desire for a little girl. So all of these were my convincing factors that I was not done having babies. Now the hard part came, convincing Rocky that after all this planning for 3 kids I wanted another one.

I feel like it's a lot easier on the guy to decide and be convinced, at whatever number of kids is decided, that your family is complete. One, they just aren't as emotional. Most men don't particularly love the baby stage. They don't get the warm and fuzzies holding babies, or baby fever when they see a precious little newborn. When talking about having another kiddo, I know all my husband could think about was the crying, the tired and crabby wife (who dealt with the all night feedings), the hormones, and the expenses. Where as I was seeing the cute little clothes, the first smiles & giggles, the nursery, and the amazing first moments of seeing your newborn. 

So neither of us were truely picturing the reality of having another baby, but the first things that pop in our head when we talk about a baby. Anyways, I'm not sure what convinced him to agree to having a 4th but we decided to go ahead and give it a whirl. I think between the saying "happy wife, happy life" and my good debating skills, he gave in. Of course he does not regret that decision now and both of us knew he wouldn't. But, we did decide that 4 kids would complete our family. I was very happy with that. I enjoyed my pregnancy knowing it would be my last. I cherished every moment with Shepard, all of his firsts and all of the baby snuggles. He has been the perfect little baby that everybody dreams of. Even more reason to stop while we are ahead. When I delivered him, I felt complete. Graham just started soccer when Shep was born, and I felt like we were moving into a new stage of their lives and I was ready for that. I was ready to slowly progress from the baby stage, because Shep was going to be our last, into the little boy stage. I would now officially become a "soccer mom" as we transitioned into this new chapter slowly over the next 4 years. We would slowly progress into never having diapers in the house again, no more bottles or sippy cups, no more breast feeding, no more baby food. I gave all of my maternity clothes away and have slowly been giving away the baby clothes as Shep grows out of them.

Now Shepard is almost 7 months old and he still is this perfect precious little baby. All of the boys adore him. He is starting to get into the "firsts" stage where he seems to be doing new things all the time. He is not that sleepy little newborn, even though I think he could still be snuggled all day long. This is the age that I always seem to start getting baby fever again. Why I get baby fever at this point, I don't know. My youngest is still a baby. At this age of their lives I am still breast feeding and they rely on me for so much still. Except for Shepard, I was still waking up for middle of the night feedings. Why would I even think about wanting another baby, call me crazy! 

Well even though we decided that we were "definitely" done at 4 kids, I am getting baby fever AGAIN! I am just beginning to think that this is something that will never go awayw with me. This time it's not that I even want a little girl. I'm not imaging hair bows and little dresses, or Barbie dolls. I just picture the pregnancy and the sweet newborn face. I think about the waiting game to see who the baby is going to look like. The whole labor process and the big ol' pregnancy belly. I am really starting to think I could have 20 kids and never get tired of the "baby" stage, even though it can be so exhausting. I also really enjoy being pregnant. But no I am not going to have 20 kids! When ever I start to get aching for another little baby I thank God for the four healthy boys I have, and then maybe I should just be grateful for what I have and enjoy them to the fullest. I also start to feel a little guilty. Why should I want any more babies, would it be taking away from the 4 I already have? Would everybody get enough love and  attention? I could come up with pros and cons all day long. I don't know what the right answer is or the right decision to make for me or my family. I don't know what God wants in my life for my family. I don't know what to look for to "know" I'm done. How am I supposed to feel? It's all so unclear, which makes deciding where to go from here even harder.

We are slowly getting rid of all of our baby stuff. There are some things I just can't get rid of yet. Things I am emotionally attached to and things I want to keep just in case. I feel like I have to get rid of things at my pace and close this chapter at my pace so I don't have regrets. I don't want to be rushed into this decision and Rocky is allowing me to slowly ease into completing our family. I just hope if I can't commit to being a family of 6 that he understands. For as big of a planner that I am, I keep changing this plan! But looking below, who wouldn't want 10 more of these beautiful babies?

Transitions... From SAHM to SAHM and full time nurse!

Well along with adjusting to a new place to live, new routines, new schools and new friends, we are adjusting to mommy working. 

I had no plans of going back to work anytime soon, and sometimes I joked that I would never go back to work, but I had a change of heart somewhere along our two week transition from Missouri to Alaska. I had a dream one night about working and after that I just couldn't seem to get the idea out of my head. I decided I would look into getting an Alaska nursing license for future use, then decided to poke around to see what jobs were available. Well one thing lead to another and I had a few job offers within a matter of weeks. My plan to go part-time turned into full time when I thought about there only being one day difference, 2 days or 3 days. 

After weighing my options between a few jobs I decide to go with a job at Providence Hospital, which has the best reputation in Alaska, and on there Mother-baby unit. I enjoy maternal health but I wasn't sure if I wanted the stress of labor and delivery. I also figured I could use my experience and knowledge in this area. I mean between my nursing knowledge and having 4 kids of my own I'm practically a pro at this stuff;) 

I love this area though! I get to spend time educating moms, helping them feel better so they can go home do this tough job, and holding sweet babies. I am working night shift so sometimes the nights get slow and long, but overall it has been a great place to work.

I do however drink more caffeine than ever before and it need to buy stock in Rockstar. Most days I get 2 hours of sleep before a night shift. If I work 2-3 nights in a row I have a sitter watch the boys so I can get about 5-6 hours of sleep in between shifts. So far I haven't felt too exhausted with the way my sleep schedule is. I am a zombie in the mornings when I get off and I tend to let the boys watch an hour of toons while I lay on the couch before I pound a few cups of coffe. Oh and my coffee shack down the street knows me well. If it's a nice day and I have to work that night I take the boys to the park in the afternoon which means a stop before the park and after for my caffeine fix.

I have begun to take advantage of the time I have with the boys because it does seem to be limited these days. Three 12 hour shifts turns into a lot more time away from the family than I expected. Between sleep, housework, taxiing the boys around town and cooking meals, I feel like our days fly by. I miss our evenings at home as a family and I really miss Rocky. It has been hard lately being gone so much from him and the boys and has made me second guess going back to work. I really have enjoyed this adult time and feeling like there is more to my life. But then I think I was so happy just as a SAHM and that was really I needed, all 5 of my boys are my world. I feel like I am happier and a nicer mom with work, but does the benefits of my working outweigh the time away from my family. Some days I'm not sure. I am taking it one day at a time. If I get to a point where I feel like it is too much for a our family then I'll take step back and go PRN or not at all. I mean don't get me wrong the money is nice to have when you have been a one income household for 3 years, but there is way more important things in life. My family is all that matters, so if we have to go without eating out or a luxury then no big deal. We will always have each other and I want what is best for my boys. But for now we seem to be adjusting well and I will continue drinking my coffee and energy drinks to keep up with this busy life.

My blessing!

I can't believe Shepard is over 6 months old now. Where has time gone? So much has happened since he was born that it feels like a lot longer, but at the same time I feel like I just set my eyes on this precious little boy. He was born in April and we went through a soccer season and a teeball season. We made 2 trips to Memphis, a trip to Louisiana, a weekend trip to Alaska and a 10 day move to Alaska. I started back working a full time job and the boys have started another season of soccer. 2 boys are in school and we are moving into winter. Seems like a lot for 6 months. 

This little guy has been a trooper through all of our adventures. He has blessed me with many full nights of sleep and such a laid back personality. He is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen, and I'm not just being biased. He is full of smiles and giggles. 

We have had some stresses with him, but again he has just been a trooper through it all. 

The first 2 months were so easy. Eat, sleep, and poop. Weighed in at 10lbs 2oz at his 2 month checkup and growing well. We then began our journey to Alaska including a stop in Memphis and Louisiana. He seemed to be eating well and sleeping great. As our journey was ending I noticed he was seeming a little bit smaller and he wasn't nursing as well. I began supplementing some because I thought he may have lost a few ounces over the trip. After we were finally able to get our insurance stuff transferred to the base hospital here, I got him in to see the doctor. To my surprise at almost 4 months old he weighed 9lbs 10oz. A whole 1/2 lb less than 2 months.  I was scared, upset, and felt awful. I couldn't do anything but blame myself. How could I let this happen to my baby? Was I not feeding him enough? I didn't know if there was something wrong with him or what. We were already going through a nursing strike on his part and so I was already supplementing some, so I didn't know what else to do. For the next 8 weeks we continued to go back and forth to the Dr.'s for weight checks and tests to try and figure out what was causing him not to gain weight. The first two weeks he only put on 3 oz, followed by the next 2 weeks with an 8 oz gain. The next two week period consisted of constant feedings either by breast or bottle every 2 hours or less during the day. He gained 1lb in that two weeks. I was thrilled, the Doctor not so much. He was still way below the 0% on the growth chart and she started to worry about how it could affect his development. She started talking about him being malnourished for a period of time and what it could have done/do to his development. The guilt came back. Did I starve my baby? I thought I was doing the right thing by nursing him and he seemed happy. How could I have been harming him. Was there anything wring with him? They did all sorts of tests over this time period, blood counts, cystic fibrosis test, celiac test, and thyroid function. Everything came back normal thankfully, but I still stress that something could be wrong. He is such a good baby, that I feel like I am just waiting for the sky to fall. His last weight check he weighed in at 12lb 2 oz. Still way under 0% on the growth chart! but he is growing! he is happy! and he is hitting his milestones. 

It is still stressful trying to breast feed him and supplement him enough to where he is getting enough calories in, but we are getting there. Sometimes I wonder why I am nursing since apparently I produce skim milk and he needs so much supplementation. I guess I do it to have that bonding time with him and with hopes that he is still getting the benefits of breast feeding.

I feel like he is such a blessing and I am so grateful for his health. There could have been something seriously wrong with him to cause his weight issues and I worried for a long time that the doctors were missing something, but now I am just grateful. He is a healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy. Hopefully him being a runt will continue being our biggest concern. 

So Big, So Fast

So today Graham had his first ever school pictures. Crazy to think about! He was just this little tiny baby in my arms that surprised us 4 weeks early. Now he is about to be 5 and is so smart. I get compliments from his teacher and other parents about how he is such a good kid and I know I am so blessed. He has the kindest heart and loves to help others. I really need to find some volunteer work we can do together because I think he would really enjoy it. Of course he is your typical preschooler who tantrums or cries when he doesn't always get his way. But I feel like those are few and far between. I also think his actions and maturity are rubbing off on Anthony, his Irish twin. They both have become such little men.

Anthony and Graham both started soccer last night. They are on an indoor league since winter will be here in a week or so. I couldn't stay for practice because I had to work, but Rocky told me they did great. They had to put Anthony on the U6 team with Graham because he didn't want to be without him. Rocky said Anthony was way ahead of where Graham was when he started this past spring. Graham also has improved a lot since the spring according to Rocky. I hope he enjoys it because it looks like soccer and T-ball are the only sports he can do for the next 2 years. 

Tomorrow both of the boys have parent/teacher conferences and I can't wait to hear about how they are doing. I feel like they are both getting smarter by the day. Anthony has grown leaps and bounds with his learning. We are working on his speech and just got evaluated through the school district. We are waiting to hear back on what he qualifies for. They were impressed with his communication and understanding skills, pronunciation is our problem. It doesn't help that Graham translates for him a lot so he hasn't been forced to improve much in the last year. Hopefully it will come soon, so people can really see and hear how smart he is. 

Pinterest Addict

So I am quite the Pinterest addict and I'm sure like most people out there, I don't get around to doing 95% of the things I post. It is a great way however to organize my ideas, thoughts, and random likes. The majority of the things I actually do partake in from Pinterest are the recipes. I love to cook, when I have time of course. I don't do fancy things, but I love to play around with flavors and ideas and keep our meals at home interesting. I also refuse for me kids to grow up being picky eaters so I try and cook a wide variety of things and variety of flavors. What I cook is what they get or they don't get anything at all. For the most part my kids eat just about everything.

I grew up in a cooking and eating family. I would love to say I can cook as well as my brother did, but unfortunately he a had a rare talent that I didn't get. I did however learn a lot from him and took away how to experiment and be adventurous in the kitchen. So I need recipes for ideas and I tweak them. My brother made recipes, he didn't use them. I also like semi-homemade stuff, it goes very well with my lifestyle, easy!

So thanks to Pinterest I get to create my own "cookbook" of a wide variety of recipes and it helps me keep them organized. I use Pinterest for my weekly menu planning  and I love it. I also use it for my sewing projects, that I unfortunately haven't had much time for lately, and to pin all kinds of wood projects for my husband. Hopefully one day I'll get around to so e of the other things I pin, but for now I'll keep pinning away with aspirations of completing all of them.